Writing has always been something that came naturally to me. I mean, I’m not saying I’m a natural born genius or anything, but I just haven’t had to struggle for words very often.
But I am struggling so much right now. I don’t even know if I should be writing this post, it feels weird to do it, but it feels weird to not do it as well.
My friend’s husband called me on Friday to tell me she had died. I had been expecting this call for a while now. My friend had called me a couple months ago to say goodbye to me herself. And I had cried then because I knew it was the goodbye call before she pulled back from the world and spent the rest of her time with her family.
Honestly, as callous as this sounds, I can’t believe how much my heart hurts now that she is actually gone.
This whole thing has been one weird unbelievable occurrence after another. I remember Bonnie and I hanging out at the library together. I loved hanging out with her, she could hang out and do nothing for like 5 hours straight and it was so fun to just sit around with someone for so long and watch the kids play and talk about and do random stuff. It was always like, “I better get to Target. Are you gonna come?” and then “Sure.” and the whole day could go like that, us just following each other around. We were doing one of these things at the library when Bonnie told me about how she wasn’t sure the hard spots in her breasts were just clogged milk ducts anymore. Sorry, if that is TMI, but really, we were both very convinced it was just clogged milk ducts because that is what everyone tells you it is. I remember saying, “It couldn’t be cancer. That would just be too weird. It’s not something that happens to normal people.” She agreed, and then we were both like, “Might as well just go to the doctor anyway since that’s what you’re supposed to do. But, come on, it’s not cancer.”
Then of course two days later it was. And ever since then it has just been like one weird unbelievable thing that doesn’t happen to your friends after another. All throughout it I have cried. Cried when I first found out, cried when she had surgery, cried when we found out she still had it after we had high-fived cause we were sure it was gone. Cried when she found out if was going to kill her. Cried when we talked on the phone after that.
Stupidly enough, I didn’t cry when we went out to see her after she moved back home. Because I, stupidly enough, really really thought she was going to get better. And even more stupidly I told her that. I said, “I think you’ll get better.”
I swear. They should not let me be friends with people because I am the worst. I am just one stupid comment after another.
But Bonnie was my friend. Even though I was so dumb. And that is what makes this so awful. Because she was my friend. She liked me and wanted to be with me even though I am so messed up. I just don’t want to lose someone like that. I don’t want to lose someone who would be my friend and wouldn’t mind spending 5 hours doing nothing with me and just making me feel so okay.
I have cried throughout all of this, but I always stopped myself because I knew there would be more tears to come later on and that this whole thing wasn’t over with yet. But now I feel like it is. Now I feel like I can’t wait to cry anymore because this is it. And the moment to cry has finally come and I can’t put off how heartbroken I am anymore. She actually died and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t say that something worse is coming so I need to hold on while things aren’t as bad as they can be yet. But now they are bad as they can be. And I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to feel like this and know that she is actually dead. That my friend really did die.
My heart hurts. It hurts so bad. I feel like if I cry any more I will pass out. I just, I can’t breathe because the sobs are so long. And crying feels so final. Crying means that it really is time to feel the worst of it.
And I feel terrible because Adam and the kids have lost their wife and mother. And Denise has lost her daughter. And I can’t imagine living through that. But I know that I am sobbing because I lost my friend. And I am crying for myself. It just seems so selfish. I should be crying for Bonnie because she is a mother who died before she could raise her kids. And that was the hardest part for her. She told me that the hardest part was knowing she wouldn’t get to be there to raise her kids. And my God! How could anything be worse than that? But I am still crying because I lost my friend. I feel ridiculous, but to me, right now, the thing that hurts the most is not having Bonnie here to spend the day with me and do puzzles on the living room floor with.
She hasn’t been here for almost a year. But it still felt like we could do those things for some reason.
I just can’t believe that now whenever I am going to have Bonnie it is going to be a memory. That from now on our relationship has to be in past tense.
It’s awful. It is all just so awful.
After Bonnie moved back to Utah to be with her family we started writing letters. I wrote her more than she wrote me because it was hard for her to write, she was so tired and her hands shook. It was easier for her to call.
I was working on a letter for her when Adam called me to tell me she had passed.
Everyone keeps saying these things about Bonnie. About how she was so kind, and fun and had such a great sense of humor and was compassionate. And all of those things are true about Bonnie. But to me, the most awesome thing about Bonnie was that she was okay with people and didn’t spend her time worrying about what they did or didn’t do. We would complain to each other about things other people had done, and laugh over things other people had said, of course, like all friends do. But it was never anything to get in a bunch about with her. We would just laugh and say, “oh nooo!” and she would do this half laughing groan. But she was completely okay with people not being perfect. And for me, that is what made her such an amazing friend. I loved being around someone like that and having someone in my life who was not there to yay or nay things about me.
I have missed her so much this past year, and am now just so so sad that she is officially gone.
Thank you for being my friend. It was awesome.